a soul’s fiat
I was scared.
It was half an hour until my
scheduled surgery would begin. The
surgeon had briefly met with me beforehand to explain generally what would take
place. I had seen the anesthesiologist,
too. But none of their words were comforting
to me.
I was scared.
Scared to death.
Two weeks prior I had broken
my leg. The doctors had tried a cast but
it was not working because of the type of break I had on my bones. So, surgery was required, and I had never had
something so major a trauma like this before—
So, I did the
unthinkable. I asked my mom to call a Catholic priest.
The thing was… I was not even
Catholic. Or, at least, I had never
professed to be one in my adult life.
I had been baptized as an
infant into the Catholic faith. I had
attended Sunday mass infrequently as a child, but never went to Sunday school,
nor did I have any type of Catholic education.
I had never received my First
Holy Communion, nor was I ever Confirmed.
And certainly, I had no experience in going to the Sacrament of
Confession.
But, all I knew was that if
one feared dying, a priest was to be called.
And so, despite being agnostic—a person who was trying to find God in
all the wrong places, I asked my mom to
call a Catholic priest.
And so, this Catholic priest
stood before me as I was lying on the bed, awaiting to be wheeled into the
surgery room. And, bless his heart, I
had no idea that I was to confess anything to him.
But, this holy priest was a
good man. After briefly talking to me
and sensing my ignorance, he said that he would anoint me. And so, he prayed softly to himself for my
safe recovery as he anointed my hands and my feet with holy oil.
Once the priest was done, I
immediately felt better. I had no
concept of a sin or being a sinner, but I simply thought that if there was a
god, I would be “alright” now if something happened.
I was then wheeled into the
surgery room.
I do not know how long I was
under the anesthesia. But, the passage
of time was irrelevant to me, as I slipped into unconsciousness during the
operation.
Then, it happened. The most
glorious experience of my
life.
Suddenly, I found myself—my
soul—skipping along in an open grassy meadow.
I knew that it was my soul
because I did not have a physical body.
And yet, I had a spiritual one—complete with fingers and toes. I marveled at my hands and my feet as I
skipped along, no longer bound by a broken leg or limitations of a heavy
physical body.
I was wearing a yellow dress
covered in print with many miniature red flowers.
And I noticed the grass
around me being so vibrant in living color…
My soul focused on small details—like my fingers and toes—as it was hard
for me to comprehend everything all at once.
My soul kept “awakening” to what I was witnessing around me—as my mind
tried to understand what was happening to me.
And as my mind opened more
and more, I noticed that someone was following me…
I looked behind me and I saw
satan.
I certainly knew that it was
a demon, because he had taken the physical form of my then boyfriend and had an
evil look upon his face. Surrounding
satan was a pitch-black cloud, which intuitively,
I understood to represent all my sins—mostly sins of the flesh—and behind him
and the black cloud, I sensed was a huge pit of fire.
Yet, I was not afraid.
Because I was so happy. The most joyful that I had ever been in my
entire life.
In fact, I never felt so more alive than those moments skipping
across the meadow. Or, the happiest in
my soul ever.
And as satan reached out his
arms to grab me, I looked ahead of me, knowing in my soul somehow that he could
not catch up with my skipping. And ahead
of me, I saw a gray misty cloud that seemed to surround the perimeter of the
grassy field that I was in.
And as my soul yearned to
just reach that gray mist, as I knew, intuitively, that I would be truly safe
if I just made it to the gray cloud… I
began to notice something even greater in the place I was in…
The most brilliant white
light permeated everything I saw. It
filled the sky and gave life to everything in the field. And as I looked upwards, slightly behind me,
towards my left-hand side, I noticed it
then…
I noticed the Presence of God.
Truly, I
realized then, that I was in a place that was neither heaven nor hell. Yet, I understood that heaven was above me
and that heaven was where God lived. And
I understood that The Light which I saw all-around me was emanating from God in
heaven.
And when my soul was awakened
to the Presence of God around me, I was then immediately asked a question—
God asked me a question. He said:
“Do you love Me?”
And, with all my heart, all
my mind, all my strength, and all my soul, I said “yes” with every fiber of my being.
I said, “yes” completely,
entirely, and wholly.
I said “yes” to God.
But then, to my dismay, as
soon as I gave my “yes” to God, my
soul then began to fly very quickly straight into the brilliant white sky…
But, instead of heading
towards the direction that I knew God was in heaven, or towards the gray clouds
that I longed to go to that surrounded the grassy field, my soul began a quick
ascent through a tunnel of light—which ended with severe shock and pain on the
surgery room table as the anesthesiologist was awakening me.
The most intense and most
beautiful experience of my life had ended.
I was back in my physical body and on earth…
And I wanted to cry.
I had no concept as to where
I had been, but all I knew was that I did not want to come home to my life on
earth again. I had said my “yes” to God and I did not care at the
time for my family or my friends or my life on earth—
I wanted to be with God.
For, if all the moments of
joy that I had ever experienced on earth could be given to me all at once, it
would be a mere droplet in the ocean
of love that I knew existed in heaven where God was. I had not experienced heaven, but I knew that
it existed, and that was where my soul wanted to go.
And so, I wanted to cry.
In the weeks that followed, I
wish that my personal encounter with God would have made me a Catholic. However, I never made a mental connection
between the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick that I had received from the
Catholic priest and the spiritual experience I had while in surgery as being
related—
I did not know that the
Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick purifies one’s soul from all sin so as
to prepare the soul to be received by God in heaven.
All I knew was that God and
heaven existed. And I wanted to go
there.
So, for two years more, I
wandered… Until, by the grace of God
tendered through His Blessed Mother, I finally picked up a Catholic catechism
book and began to read it—
I read myself into the Catholic faith.
Starting with a simple
catechism book to further books on apologetics and Christian theology, I was
simply dumb-struck by the logic and beauty of the Catholic faith that I had
been baptized in as an infant. I was
learning the faith that I never learned as a child. Then, I read a book—
A book written by Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich
over 500 years ago on her visions of purgatory—
And as I read this book, I
became speechless—overcome with complete joy—as Blessed Anne Catherine described
exactly, in detail, where I had been
over two years ago.
I read about the grassy
fields, the gray misty clouds, etc., and I realized why I had been so eager to
reach the gray mist in my skipping.
Because I would have been able to stay with God, if I had entered the
cloud of purgatory.
It made me so happy. I finally found the answers to all my life’s
questions. I had finally found My God and I did not want to let Him go.
Now, there was only one small
problem:
I had to change the direction of my
life.
I knew now what sin was and
realized what a bigger sinner I was. I
also knew that I would have to make “hard choices,” because my life was not
Christian by any standard.
One of the most difficult
choices that I had to make was to break off the relationship with a man whom I
had intended to one day marry. A man who
had been raised in the Catholic faith but did not follow the Christian ideals
that I knew to be The Truth. I had to walk away.
And so, after the choice had
been made and realized, I took the dried rose buds that I had saved from every
bouquet that he had ever given to me, to a field outside my apartment.
I then arranged the dried
rose buds in the shape of a cross and sprinkled it with Lourdes holy water. I then prayed a simple prayer for this man
and his family, that they would find and accept God as He Is truly one
day. I
entrusted their lives to God.
Then, I walked away to a new
life in God.
And as I have grown in my
faith, I have learned that the question that God asked me that one day during
surgery is not unique to me.
A great man, our first pope, St. Peter, had been asked the same
question three times by Our Lord.
It was a beautiful early morning
at the beach along the Sea of Galilee two
thousand years ago. Christ had
Resurrected from the grave and had appeared to seven of His disciples while
they had been fishing that morning.
They all ate breakfast with
the fish they caught on the beach. Then
Jesus turned to Peter and asked him:
“Simon, son of John, do you love me
more than these (other disciples)?”
And Peter replied: “Yes,
Lord, you know that I love you.”
Then Jesus said to Peter: “Feed my lambs.”
Then, for a second time,
Jesus asked Peter:
“Simon, son of John, do you love me?”
And Peter replied: “Yes,
Lord, you know that I love you.”
Then Jesus said to him: “Tend my sheep.”
Then, for a third time, Jesus
asked Peter:
“Simon, son of John, do you love me?”
And Peter, distressed that Jesus
had said to him a third time, “Do you
love me?” then said to Him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I
love you.”
Jesus then replied: “Feed my sheep.”
He then said to Peter: “Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were
younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow
old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead
you where you do not want to go.”
(Thus, signifying the death that St. Peter would endure in glory for The
Lord—crucifixion in Rome).
Then Jesus said to Peter: “Follow me.”
This story taken from the Gospel of John, Chapter 21 is important,
because it illustrates the forgiveness and Mercy of God that Jesus extended to
Peter for denying Him three times during the Passion and Crucifixion. It also shows the unlimited Mercy that God
extends to each of us.
(For, three times, there was
a question of love from God and an assent given in love by Peter for Our
Lord. This. thereby, forgave the sins of
Peter’s earlier thrice-denial during the Passion).
Also, this story is
important, because it shows the desire and intentions of Our Lord for St. Peter
to be the head of the universal
church as the first Catholic Pope.
But, there is one final
significance to this story that oftentimes gets overlooked…
It turns upon the one word—
Love.
In the English language, the
word “love” can mean many different types and degrees of affection between
people. Yet, there is only one word—love—to mean so many expressions of love
in the English world.
However, in the Greek
language, of which the Gospel story was originally written, “love” can be
translated into three different possibilities: eros (passionate love), philia
(friendship or brotherly love) or agape
(unconditional and sacrificial love).
The reason that this
translation of meanings for love is
significant is because St. John
wrote the Gospel story using two different Greek words for love.
In the first two instances, St. John used the word
“philia” to express the meaning of love in Jesus’ question of, Do you love Me?
Yet, when Jesus put the final
question to Peter, St. John
used the word “agape” to express the meaning of love in Jesus’ third question, Do you love Me?
And so, it is revealed
through choice of Greek words that God wants and desires a love from us that is
unconditional love. A love, not just of the mind or physical, but
truly a sacrificial love from our
hearts and our souls.
An unconditional love like Our Lord truly loves each
one of us.
Thank you, my dearest reader, for allowing me to
share my testimony of my conversion to The Lord with you. It took me many years for me to finally have
the words to say. And I offer my
personal story to you, as a gift of hope to you, so that you may draw closer to
Him Who Is the closest to you in your life.
Each of us only has “so much”
time until our own passing from this earth.
It is my sincerest hope and prayer that you will chose to say “yes” to
The Lord as I did and continue to do in my own life.
I know that it is hard to
recognize or understand it, but Our Lord comes to us, in each and every present
moment, to ask us that question of, Do
you love Me?
While God can ask the
question in a more obvious way, like He did to me and St. Peter, truly, God asks us this question far
more often in the humblest and smallest of ways… Through the gentle breeze of the wind on
one’s face to the uncontrollable laughter of a small child, in so many ways Our
Lord communicates to us His Love and desire for our best welfare through these
simple joys—
He reaches out to us every
present moment as an act of His loving grace to whisper us back to Himself,
always asking, Do you love Me?
–asking each of us to show Him our love through our thoughts, words and deeds
towards God and each other.
I hope and pray that you will
open your heart to His Love and say “yes” to Him now and always in your
life. I pray that you will follow Him in all matters, especially of the heart.
God bless you in your journey
of faith.
I love you.
—a soul
Holy Love Ministry
March 9, 1995
From Jesus:
"Do you love Me? If you do, tell Me so, for I
need to hear it. Do not keep your love for Me buried in your heart. Let it be
reflected in your life, in your words and actions. I am never far away. I am as
close as your next thought of Me. I am part of the air you breathe. I desire
that you know this in your innermost spirit, so that we can be one. Do not fear
any portion of the future. I am in the future ahead of you. I am directing
angels towards your every need. I send My Mother to be your confidence."
February 9, 1998
Jesus and Blessed Mother are
here. Blessed Mother says: "Praise
be Jesus."
Jesus looks at Maureen and
asks: "Do you love Me?"
Maureen answers "Yes". Jesus then says: "And do you trust Me?" to which Maureen answers
"Yes".
Jesus: "I have come to look into each heart here and to ask your undying
love, your undying trust."
"When you love someone unconditionally, you are
willing to do anything for them. As My Mother's Heart is a heart of Sorrow, My
Heart is a Heart of Reparation. Come to Me; abide in Me. Make all reparation to the United Hearts
- the Heart of Sorrow and the Heart of Reparation. We extend to you tonight Our
Blessing of the United Hearts."
